I somehow felt like looking through our old photo albums, so I did. I flipped page by page, staring at the pictures kept in each page. I looked at the pictures of me growing up - from newborn to toddler to teenager to adult. Then it hit me, I'm turning 22 this July. Almost 22 years of living... full of rainbows and thunders. Glitters and dusts. I realized I have yet to reach everything I want to do - I have so little time for them. Looking at my successful friends with jealousy glares. Watching closest friends achieved what they dreamed with regrets. Why am I so bad in living my life? Why am I so bad in making decisions? Living in a society obsessed with status and grades is hard. Well... at least it's harsh for me - a total failure. You think life is all about what you want and what you choose - you were wrong. In this society, there's no "I choose my own way to live my life" phrase. Not in this competitive society.

Say... Your neighbour's son is a lawyer? Wait for your parents to "sweetly" force you studying in science field so you'll gain a higher title than him. Your cousin achieved straight As in SPM? Wait for your parents to nag at your "stupidity" for not being able to achieve the same result. Compares. Comparison. All you can hear is people comparing you with other people. And you can't help but to feel stressed with all comparisons you gained. You try to prove to them - that you can live up to their expectation, but then it makes you living only to reach what people expected you to be. Robots. Puppets. Being mentally-controlled by those voice. Whose voice? The ones who nags at you. Each day. Same cycle. It's like junk food for your brain. Not good for health. But it just can't stop - it's addictive even you don't want it to be.

.........................what the hell did I type ohmygod okay I'm not in my sane mind. I apologize. I'm stressed with everything, I want to give up studying. I want to work and find my own money. I want to live without needing to care that I don't have a degree. Can someone send me back to 1940s or 1950s where degree is not a society's obsession? Please? I've had enough of "you disappointed me" lines. I've had enough of "I'm ashamed of you" phrases. Not even a single word of encouragement comes out from your mouth - only discrimination. Thanks for discriminating me. Thanks for "letting me do what I want" but nags 100000000000 times about not having a degree is a sin. Stop, Please. Even if I want to study, I want to go for what I like, not what the society wants. Please. Please. Please give back my freedom. Please. Please open up your eyes, and see how I'm good in other things. Not this one. I'm tired of everything, I'm tired of lying. I just want this to stop. I want to earn my own money. I want to be independent. I want to move out and travel. I want to observe and learn about cultures. I want to do what you don't want me to.

I'm tired of every single fucking thing.