These days I have fear of doing anything I want because I am always reminded of death. When I did something nice, I would be thinking "Is this the last time I will live in this world?" or when I said "I'm leaving but I haven't pack my bags yet," these words gave me chills, as if I'm signalling to people that I am leaving this world.

I've had a number of sleepless nights, because I was afraid if I will die in my sleep. This fear had been overpowering my thoughts lately, and I decided to talk to few close friends. Am I normal? Will I continue to live? Will the negative thoughts stop by itself? I ranted for pages to my friends, I whined, I cried. But this one sentence hit me right in the guts. "Only Allah knows when you'll leave, it's all according to His plan. Accept this a reminder from Allah The Almighty that you've drifted away, and He wants you to go back to him."

My response? I cried even harder. I did, I enjoyed life too much I drifted away. It's like double hit in the guts. I began to look back at my life. I've sinned. Yet Allah lets me to breathe from day to day, experiencing everything, yet I forgot to thank Him for this opportunity. I began to get close to him, I am trying to repent. I've sinned a lot for the past 22 years of living, I should now think of my afterlife. I stopped getting fear of death - a friend said it's mostly Satan's way of getting people astray from Allah, our Creator, the Almighty.

Death is something that will come sooner or later, whether you like it or not. The only question is, do you have what it takes to feel eternal happiness in afterlife?

I don't.

And I regret for getting too immersed with my life.

x.

Hey, it's officially 10 days after my birthday. It was the 2nd worst birthday I had in my life. Nothing can beat last year's birthday. It was the worst out of everything. Skip that because I wanted to update with what's happening with my life from the day I turned 20 till today.

7th of July, Sunday

It's my big day, yayyy but I spent most of the time being in the library with my friends, pretending to study since I've finished all my works beforehand. I was really hungry that day because the previous day, I only ate burger bakar. The rest ordered delicious chicken rice but I only ordered iced tea. Spent some good time laughing with friends about stupid stuffs while accompanying them finishing their lunch. Then, we went back to the library. I was watching Happy Camp and laughed alone in the discussion room haha. Around 3pm, I received a text, asking me to go for a sweet escape. Well, it is indeed a sweet escape since we both went to Secret Recipe.

"My treat," he said, since it's my birthday. I ordered a slice of New York cheesecake while he ordered this grilled chicken I forgot the dish's full name haha but it's delicious :( I was a tad shy to order expensive stuffs because it's his money. Not mine. But it was fun, to have someone trying to cheer me up on that gloomy day. That was the only fun moment for the day because I spent the rest of the day being alone at home without foods. It was depressing. It should be my best day but why it turned the other way round?

8th of July, Monday

Class as usual. I ate the foods they brought back from baby Hafiz's birthday party for lunch. It was delicious or maybe because I was too hungry, I ate 2 plates of rice haha. Things went okay... but not during ITS first test ever. It was at night and I felt something wrong with my body. My stomach hurts so much and due to my experience, I knew it'll be bad. After answering the test with empty-headed (means no ilmu lol) we went back home and... yep. I knew it. Food poisoning.

Wasn't a good start for the week, huh? Okay so basically I was in pain because of food poisoning until Friday, which made me to decide to go back home on that day.

12th of July, Friday

My bus was on 10am and since I stayed up all night in the toilet, I was totally knocked out. I slept like it's none of their business. I do not care if I snore or anything. What's important is I have enough sleep before I reach home. I reached Section 17 around 6.30pm, but because my dad was stuck in traffic jam, I reached home after azan maghrib. But still managed to iftar together with family. What makes it special is, my brother in Segamat went back home too. It's beautiful because one whole family were there for iftar and sahur. :')

I did nothing much at home though so skip all schedules at home.

15th of July, Monday

My bus was supposed to depart on 10pm but because of certain circumstances, it was delayed to 11pm not to mention its '30-min break' which literally means "It's 2.30am so we'll have a break for 30 minutes which is until 3.45am" yes the driver can do math really well. Yes.... Anyhow since it was delayed, I asked for McD from my parents and they brought me double cheeseburger aherherher #happygirl93

16th of July, Tuesday

Because of too many stops, I arrived Kangar at 7:35am. Took a taxi home and because the driver didn't know where is Taman Seri Intan situated at and maybe he took advantage for it by going into the wrong direction though I guided him, I was charged RM25.................. Seriously, taxi drivers, NAK DUIT KAU CARI DUIT SECARA HALAL LAH TAK PAYAH NAK TIPU CUSTOMER SAMPAI TAHAP NI AKU NI STUDENT KAU NAK MAKAN DUIT AKU BANYAK SANGAT KENAPA? KAU INGAT AKU NI KAYA? AKU NI BERHUTANG DENGAN ORANG TAH BERAPA BANYAK. BANGANG PUNYA TAXI DRIVERS

Because I stayed awake since 4am in the bus worrying about someone, I felt asleep while trying to get ready for the next class pfft brilliant Kimmy is brilliant I should just die

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Anyhow, I am confused. I think I like someone. I think I fell for him. But I'm trying to fall out of love. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be fooled. I am afraid that he's nice to me because he only sees me as a best friend while I see it the other way round. I really want to distance myself from him but I can't. We talk to each other every day. Night and day. It's like I wake up and feel excited because I know I will be receiving a text from him.

You know how I rarely talk to people in a day??? I think I only talk to him for the past week or two-three weeks I don't know but yes. Please. Pull me out from this mess. I know he sees me as a friend. This is just one-sided love. I know. I believed so. I don't think anyone will ever fall for me. Well, not now since guys look for appearance and I am fat which means I am unattractive so please.

Baru putus cinta suddenly jumpa new love I know this is absurd but

my parents love him so how?

Hello,

Wow it's the 6th day of April and I only blogged once in March. Nice. I love being a busy student. Looks like I only able to change the skin for April but not for March :( So yeah, Luhan for April! Why, you ask? He's born in April :)

So, anyway, I'm currently sitting for my finals. Tomorrow, 7th of April, I will be sitting for my fourth paper and also my father's birthday! I don't have anything as present, though. This is me. I'm literally awkward with my parents. I promised them to increase my CGPA and GPA for this semester, but I'm afraid I couldn't achieve that later. I have 2 papers with the least confidence - Linear Algebra I and Practical Approach of Operating Systems.

For Linear Algebra - I admit, I have no idea about the main thing of this subject. All I know it's related to matrices. It was my first paper, and I faced it with obstacles. I was struggling to get all the formulas, I was dying inside to resolve the questions. And I'm doomed. Pretty much sure that I failed big time. I couldn't manage to answer all questions in time given. I'm sorry, mom and dad, I've let you down, again.

For Practical Approach of Operating Systems - let's be honest, it's not that hard. It's pretty much simple but the main problem lies on the lecturer. Our tests and quizzes were marked strictly by following the answer sheet 100%, so those who use different words from the scheme will be deducted marks. And hey, I cheated during the test - I answered by referring to the slides he gave and guess what, the answers are all wrong. I got 8 and a half over 50 for that test. Bam.

I'm doomed. We're doomed. I hope that he will change that attitude of his and try to be more acceptable with students' answers. This is his first semester of teaching - I understood, but I never thought he will be this bad. I mean, younger lecturers are supposed to be more flexible and understand the students more? No?

Anyway, I need to revise for tomorrow with full concentration now. No more playing around. I will try to score no matter what. I've been a really bad student for this semester. Hm.