Assalamualaikum.

It's the first post for year 2014. I started the new year with new life - being single, having my heart wearing a thick layer of steel armour, getting a super bad news for me regarding my diploma studies, and is harassed by an ex who came back after 6 years. 2014 doesn't really start with good news for me, but at least, I am blessed to have those people who still stick around me even when I'm not at my best state. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for letting me to know them in my life.

Being single? Unfortunately, it's hard to have a happily-ever-after life especially if you dreamed about it when you're madly and happily in love. Right after we part ways, I've read many Twitter updates that relationships that made you anticipate for your significant other to change will absolutely fail. Why? Being in love means to accept the person just the way they are. Humans are imperfect, and it's okay to correct some of his/her mistakes but to expect him/her to immediately change to that imaginary person with criteria that you like is... impossible.

That's the big mistake I did, or should I say, we did. He expects me to be the girl he likes, and I expect him to be the man I adore. This is why love stories, love novels, porn, etc ruin most relationships. People want something that is unreachable, that only exist in fantasy. All those lovey dovey stuffs you see in movies are hardly seen in real life. It exists but is so rare that you won't be able to witness it by yourself. Hitting back on the expecting to change point, yes, I agree that expecting your significant other to be pious is good but, expecting him/her to be the exact same thing like your imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend is... a big bucket full of nope.

So now, after being hurt and surprisingly not crying after being left by the guy that I seriously think he's the man, I'm moving on. Come on, 3 years of being single and you're doing just fine, Hakimah. You surely can do better now :) I know, it hurts to finally open your heart for someone, let him in and showers him with love, suddenly, he changed. Everything's changed. He doesn't love you, you fight for the relationship, but it failed because it's all one-sided. Sad, hurt, tired, your heart slowly close its gate and is now locked and the key is thrown away, hoping a fine gentleman will find the key and unlock it in the future.

And being harassed and forced to accept an ex after 6 years of not contacting makes it harder for me who just underwent a break up. Weeks passed, I then agreed with my stupid self to try to accept the ex. But I gave no effort in trying to let him in, I want him to do all the magic to reopen my locked heart. Guess what? Last night he totally screw his final chance. I bid my final goodbye to him and asked him to not put high hopes on me any more.

During my mid-sem break, I've a small chat with my PA regarding my grades and all. I will finish my diploma not this semester, but another semester since I will have to do my LI. And I asked if I'm able to continue my degree in UiTM but he said no... because I was barred for a paper last semester and now my future seems extremely dark. My family couldn't afford to send me to a private university, nor I have enough money to pay for myself. Calculating alone, I decided to work for at least 6 months up to 1 year before I finally continue with degree.

2014, and I'm losing the bright and cheerful self. Here in Arau, I live in a rent house full of degree students and my friends are all in residence college. I go to class alone, eat alone, walk alone... I practically live alone. I talk less now, as I have no one to talk to. I smile less now, as I only spend my time with my laptop and phone. Slowly, I'm showing signs of depression. And when I'm depressed, I push all people away, I cut connections, including my parents. It's okay, I have Allah. He can listen to everything that I've been keeping inside my heart.

So, my 2014 resolutions are;

to be closer to Allah,

to be a good daughter,

to earn good money,

to live happily, and

to find my husband-to-be.

2014 started off pretty bad, but I hope it will end with good stuffs, insyaAllah. I know I'm strong, I know I can go through this. No more hurting self, no more deserting self, no more ignoring friends, no more keeping everything to myself. Oh, I hope by the end of 2014, I managed to shed 15kg and look stunning. InsyaAllah.

Okay here's what's up. I have to create a fully functional website (html and php stuffs) and it was awesomely awful. It sucks. What is group assignment when it was done by less than half out of the number of members in the group. That was the screenshot of the main page of the site and honestly, I can't fully credit myself for it. I stole someone's code. Because, we had to. Emergency happened and we're at lost so yeah. But anyway I edited most of them so they shouldn't look the exact same as the original.

It's not like I'm complaining that I have to code. No, I have no problems with that. I love to code. It's fun and everything but here's come the minus point. Why and how can I code the whole section (there are 2 sections, actually) alone by myself without any help from you guys oh yes I do need to complain because this is about my life about my health about my brain power and um no I hate to do other people's job. Please contribute and please offer your help. I don't want to be bossy and say "You, do this and you do that while you need to plan for this."

And then came another shitty major assignment that has nothing to do with my course. I wonder why UiTM is being so stupid and let us to study on few subjects that has no relation to our courses like seriously, UiTM, you suck to the max. You want to help the Malays so it's good but um please, re-revise your policy or whatever since I feel so jealous towards friends who're studying in IPTS and they learned advanced programming stuffs from us? We learnt the most basic ones which, well, from their point of view, is such a waste of time.

To enroll in UiTM for degree is the last option in my list. Serious talk.

--

My head suddenly hurts so much I had to lie down and close my eyes to chase the pain away. This isn't good. I've been getting constant headache for days now and I don't think I'll recover soon enough? I sleep too little per day. 2~3 hours of sleep per day is unhealthy for a teen like me. Wait, do I still counted as a teen or am I already in the adult phase? I don't know. Never bother to know about it. Well okay I acknowledged that I am an adult. Hm. I can't think, I should stop. Bye.

P/S: I still like the guy and things are going pretty much well :)

Hey, it's officially 10 days after my birthday. It was the 2nd worst birthday I had in my life. Nothing can beat last year's birthday. It was the worst out of everything. Skip that because I wanted to update with what's happening with my life from the day I turned 20 till today.

7th of July, Sunday

It's my big day, yayyy but I spent most of the time being in the library with my friends, pretending to study since I've finished all my works beforehand. I was really hungry that day because the previous day, I only ate burger bakar. The rest ordered delicious chicken rice but I only ordered iced tea. Spent some good time laughing with friends about stupid stuffs while accompanying them finishing their lunch. Then, we went back to the library. I was watching Happy Camp and laughed alone in the discussion room haha. Around 3pm, I received a text, asking me to go for a sweet escape. Well, it is indeed a sweet escape since we both went to Secret Recipe.

"My treat," he said, since it's my birthday. I ordered a slice of New York cheesecake while he ordered this grilled chicken I forgot the dish's full name haha but it's delicious :( I was a tad shy to order expensive stuffs because it's his money. Not mine. But it was fun, to have someone trying to cheer me up on that gloomy day. That was the only fun moment for the day because I spent the rest of the day being alone at home without foods. It was depressing. It should be my best day but why it turned the other way round?

8th of July, Monday

Class as usual. I ate the foods they brought back from baby Hafiz's birthday party for lunch. It was delicious or maybe because I was too hungry, I ate 2 plates of rice haha. Things went okay... but not during ITS first test ever. It was at night and I felt something wrong with my body. My stomach hurts so much and due to my experience, I knew it'll be bad. After answering the test with empty-headed (means no ilmu lol) we went back home and... yep. I knew it. Food poisoning.

Wasn't a good start for the week, huh? Okay so basically I was in pain because of food poisoning until Friday, which made me to decide to go back home on that day.

12th of July, Friday

My bus was on 10am and since I stayed up all night in the toilet, I was totally knocked out. I slept like it's none of their business. I do not care if I snore or anything. What's important is I have enough sleep before I reach home. I reached Section 17 around 6.30pm, but because my dad was stuck in traffic jam, I reached home after azan maghrib. But still managed to iftar together with family. What makes it special is, my brother in Segamat went back home too. It's beautiful because one whole family were there for iftar and sahur. :')

I did nothing much at home though so skip all schedules at home.

15th of July, Monday

My bus was supposed to depart on 10pm but because of certain circumstances, it was delayed to 11pm not to mention its '30-min break' which literally means "It's 2.30am so we'll have a break for 30 minutes which is until 3.45am" yes the driver can do math really well. Yes.... Anyhow since it was delayed, I asked for McD from my parents and they brought me double cheeseburger aherherher #happygirl93

16th of July, Tuesday

Because of too many stops, I arrived Kangar at 7:35am. Took a taxi home and because the driver didn't know where is Taman Seri Intan situated at and maybe he took advantage for it by going into the wrong direction though I guided him, I was charged RM25.................. Seriously, taxi drivers, NAK DUIT KAU CARI DUIT SECARA HALAL LAH TAK PAYAH NAK TIPU CUSTOMER SAMPAI TAHAP NI AKU NI STUDENT KAU NAK MAKAN DUIT AKU BANYAK SANGAT KENAPA? KAU INGAT AKU NI KAYA? AKU NI BERHUTANG DENGAN ORANG TAH BERAPA BANYAK. BANGANG PUNYA TAXI DRIVERS

Because I stayed awake since 4am in the bus worrying about someone, I felt asleep while trying to get ready for the next class pfft brilliant Kimmy is brilliant I should just die

---

Anyhow, I am confused. I think I like someone. I think I fell for him. But I'm trying to fall out of love. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be fooled. I am afraid that he's nice to me because he only sees me as a best friend while I see it the other way round. I really want to distance myself from him but I can't. We talk to each other every day. Night and day. It's like I wake up and feel excited because I know I will be receiving a text from him.

You know how I rarely talk to people in a day??? I think I only talk to him for the past week or two-three weeks I don't know but yes. Please. Pull me out from this mess. I know he sees me as a friend. This is just one-sided love. I know. I believed so. I don't think anyone will ever fall for me. Well, not now since guys look for appearance and I am fat which means I am unattractive so please.

Baru putus cinta suddenly jumpa new love I know this is absurd but

my parents love him so how?

July 2nd - I decided to skip 2 classes to prepare myself for MUET speaking test and by preparing, I mean, to get enough sleep like a princess. It was written on the slip that my test will be at 11 A.M but oh, I only knew that all tests will start at least 30 minutes after the stated time on the slip after I arrived at the venue. That's the effect of not going to any MUET workshops. I decided to take my MUET at a school which is situated near to my rent house.

I was the second candidate of the first group for my session. Well, supposedly the third candidate but the first candidate couldn't make it on time so we started from the second people in the name list. It was nerve-wrecking when I knew I will be in the first group, but while waiting for it to start, I managed to calm myself and gained extra confidence by simply... Emm, I do not know if I should say this but somehow this technique worked well for me? I decided to look down on other candidates - to make myself looked better - and I felt somewhat confident to delusionally think that I am the best out of them.

We got a quite boring topic; "Most meaningful donation" haha but thankfully I get the easiest point to elaborate, I guess? There are 4 points - organ donation, cash donation, free foods for the poor and equipment for the disabled. Mine was the second point - cash donation - the poison of today's world. I am firm on my opinions and point and managed to conclude that my point is the most meaningful donation out of all, haha. Okay actually it was horrible. I spoke like a somewhat-innocent-yet-scared person being interrogated by policemen.

My test ended on 12 P.M and to reward myself after "working hard" (yeah, really, when I woke up at 10 A.M then rushed for the test) I bought KFC for myself! I long for McDonalds but I will never go to Alor Setar by my own to get it so I have to find other alternatives. I stayed at home, being a lazy fat girl who only knows to be in front of her laptop either to watch a drama or a show. By 2.20 P.M, I received a text saying that I am a possible candidate for gugur taraf and I was like "What the--- I did not pay the UiTM fee yet!" so I rushed to UiTM wearing the ugliest thing I have in this cupboard. I do not care about how I look outside, especially on those moments when I feel lazy to be all pretty and dandy.

After paying the fee, I decided to go for a karaoke session. I know, crazy unplanned plan. I went to the karaoke place alone and had a 1-hour session of karaoke. I, of course, sang mainly Korean songs. I always feel less active if I went to karaoke alone, so I decided to sing slow songs like INFINITE's Paradise. Maybe the guys next door realized I only sing Korean songs, they decided to sing PSY's Gentleman, so I decided to fire them back by singing Faizal Tahir's Sampai Syurga. Hahaha.

Oh, it was actually about to start to rain when I arrived at the karaoke place and so in the middle of singing, it started to rain. I thought the rain would not be for long or too heavy since this is Arau. It usually rains for like, 5 minutes then stopped for weeks. But oh wow, to my surprise, it was the heaviest downpour I had to go through while driving. Seriously. I love to drive in rain but for the first time ever, I found it annoying to drive in heavy rain like that. I barely could see anything! But, despite the heavy downpour, I made my way to Kangar to get some cheesecakes. Hehe. I do not think I will get any cakes on my birthday so I decided to buy it ealier for myself, :P

So... that is how my day goes for the second day of the seventh month. The fact that I used a few words I rarely use everywhere is in this post... was this because of MUET? Look at how long this post is (minus the pictures, it is still long) it's like I was inspired by something to write a new blog post. Or was it because it is already July and I feel happy because it is, you know, July? Haha ways to confuse myself. I really should write more and more for this blog. I really feel calm whenever I write while listening to songs. It's like, I feel I am in the song, going for an adventure and write about what I get from the adventure. It is weird too since the things I write and the lyrics of the songs I listen to do not match well. 

By the way, I watched Psychometry just now. It was a really great Korean movie about an ability that can see the past by having a physical contact on an unknown objects. At first, I thought that he could only read human's past, but I was wrong. He could see everything by touching, everything. If he touched a bird, he saw what the bird saw. If he touched an object, he saw what the object witnessed. Yeah I know, how can a non-living object be a witness but with his ability, he could see what it see. Of course, you are not perfect. He has flaws, which, he uses too much energy to see the past and it made he bleeds from his nose and mouth. Horrible, which is why he avoids to touch anything.

So the screencap above is a scene in Psychometry, which a policemen tried to grab a suspect by grabbing his........ you know what. Anyhow, it is a good movie and you will not disappoint with its plot. Sadly though, there is no English subtitles available for it. Luckily I understood few Korean words so watching it raw without subs is okay but, it will be way better to fully understand the movie, no?

Movie recommendation of the day: Psychometry (literal translation) / The Gifted Hands

Song recommendation of the day: ChoColat - Black Tinkerbell

Jengka with its disruption of water supply problem plus the increasing temperature for Malaysians... I'm having a big problem in adapting with this problem. I'm literally swimming in my sweat. I smell so bad because of sweating excessively and this big fan in the room can't even solve this problem for me. I NEED TONS OF WATER AND ICE FOR BATHING PURPOSES and I am not joking. Really thought of swimming in a bathtub containing ice cubes. Damn. Or sliding on an ice cube naked. Or to bury myself in snow. 

Addicted to these kids. The main casts and their siblings. Too adorable to be ignored. This show helps a lot to strengthen the bond between a father and his children. One of the kids was really scared of his father, and because of this show, he became so close to his father and began to show his affection to him, same goes to his father. Who says watching Korean variety/reality shows give you nothing but bullshit? Well at least I learn a lot from those "shitty" Korean variety shows.

If only any Malaysians thought of coming up with great variety/reality shows, that would be great. I don't watch stupid shows like 'Betul ke Bohong?', 'Lawak Ke Der?', 'Maharaja Lawak', and etc. I don't even watch Malay drama hahaha because Malaysia itself is full of drama. Okay end I will never talk about politic.

Just wanted to update my blog with nothing but full of crap that doesn't even describe about my day. #okay

Hello, peeps.

I am now in Jengka, doing a short semester program (intersession) to retake MAT233 (Calculus 2) which I failed before. Today is officially my fourth day in UiTM Pahang, though intersession just started yesterday. After 3 semesters being a non-resident back in Arau, I got to feel being a resident, again. I was placed at room A3-40, Block A (Aishah), Kolej Tun Teja.

Yes, I'd love to compare both campuses I've been to (UiTM Perlis and UiTM Pahang).

Plus points for UiTM Pahang from my point of view

1. There are 10 colleges available for girls. T-E-N, 10! 8 were new and the other 2 (which one of them is where I am now) were the old college. 
2. For academic blocks, well, since my class is held only at FTA2-16 in the Fast Track building (its 'scientific' name is Leucaena) is okay. Reminds me of UiTM Perlis' Star Complex but way smaller than it. They have this newly built academic building and its situated on top of a small hill - not that high but will be a tiring adventure for those going to class by foot.
3. It is advisable for you to go to classes by foot since the short cuts are truly... short? You can see a major difference if you go by car and by foot. For me, I will usually go to morning class by foot and drive for evening class.
4. Marrybrown is in town like hello they have 3 options for fast foods: KFC, PHD and MB! Beat that, Arau! (Ehem food is important for a fat girl like me ehehew)