Assalamualaikum.

It's the first post for year 2014. I started the new year with new life - being single, having my heart wearing a thick layer of steel armour, getting a super bad news for me regarding my diploma studies, and is harassed by an ex who came back after 6 years. 2014 doesn't really start with good news for me, but at least, I am blessed to have those people who still stick around me even when I'm not at my best state. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for letting me to know them in my life.

Being single? Unfortunately, it's hard to have a happily-ever-after life especially if you dreamed about it when you're madly and happily in love. Right after we part ways, I've read many Twitter updates that relationships that made you anticipate for your significant other to change will absolutely fail. Why? Being in love means to accept the person just the way they are. Humans are imperfect, and it's okay to correct some of his/her mistakes but to expect him/her to immediately change to that imaginary person with criteria that you like is... impossible.

That's the big mistake I did, or should I say, we did. He expects me to be the girl he likes, and I expect him to be the man I adore. This is why love stories, love novels, porn, etc ruin most relationships. People want something that is unreachable, that only exist in fantasy. All those lovey dovey stuffs you see in movies are hardly seen in real life. It exists but is so rare that you won't be able to witness it by yourself. Hitting back on the expecting to change point, yes, I agree that expecting your significant other to be pious is good but, expecting him/her to be the exact same thing like your imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend is... a big bucket full of nope.

So now, after being hurt and surprisingly not crying after being left by the guy that I seriously think he's the man, I'm moving on. Come on, 3 years of being single and you're doing just fine, Hakimah. You surely can do better now :) I know, it hurts to finally open your heart for someone, let him in and showers him with love, suddenly, he changed. Everything's changed. He doesn't love you, you fight for the relationship, but it failed because it's all one-sided. Sad, hurt, tired, your heart slowly close its gate and is now locked and the key is thrown away, hoping a fine gentleman will find the key and unlock it in the future.

And being harassed and forced to accept an ex after 6 years of not contacting makes it harder for me who just underwent a break up. Weeks passed, I then agreed with my stupid self to try to accept the ex. But I gave no effort in trying to let him in, I want him to do all the magic to reopen my locked heart. Guess what? Last night he totally screw his final chance. I bid my final goodbye to him and asked him to not put high hopes on me any more.

During my mid-sem break, I've a small chat with my PA regarding my grades and all. I will finish my diploma not this semester, but another semester since I will have to do my LI. And I asked if I'm able to continue my degree in UiTM but he said no... because I was barred for a paper last semester and now my future seems extremely dark. My family couldn't afford to send me to a private university, nor I have enough money to pay for myself. Calculating alone, I decided to work for at least 6 months up to 1 year before I finally continue with degree.

2014, and I'm losing the bright and cheerful self. Here in Arau, I live in a rent house full of degree students and my friends are all in residence college. I go to class alone, eat alone, walk alone... I practically live alone. I talk less now, as I have no one to talk to. I smile less now, as I only spend my time with my laptop and phone. Slowly, I'm showing signs of depression. And when I'm depressed, I push all people away, I cut connections, including my parents. It's okay, I have Allah. He can listen to everything that I've been keeping inside my heart.

So, my 2014 resolutions are;

to be closer to Allah,

to be a good daughter,

to earn good money,

to live happily, and

to find my husband-to-be.

2014 started off pretty bad, but I hope it will end with good stuffs, insyaAllah. I know I'm strong, I know I can go through this. No more hurting self, no more deserting self, no more ignoring friends, no more keeping everything to myself. Oh, I hope by the end of 2014, I managed to shed 15kg and look stunning. InsyaAllah.